Wait

Wait a minute.

I'm left alone at the end of the world where the relativistic quantum gravity is synergized and synchronized. That slow chill of time and motion coming to a stop. We only have this last minute to experience over and over.

I would take us back to the time in the gardens. Let's make it bigger this time. We can plant the petunias you always asked for. The early morning sun will always shine over the meadows in that way you like. I'll hold your hand again, dig into that earth, and hope things grow.

I'll make us that ice lemon drink you like to sip from those thin straws that bend in weird shapes. You can run across the mist when I water the flowers. We can jump, leap, and fall back on that soft long grass. Let's roll down that hill that stains our clothes and makes our mothers mad.

Wait 60 seconds.

I remember the time we went travelling. We saw so many things in such a short time. Too much to do, it felt so overwhelming. An endless sea of busy lights and bright heights. Maybe it wasn't just a memory.

That bus we rode, it took two hours to drive around. Remember the statues we saw? The fountains they had? All those subtle details are written smoothly in the solid stone. Like a magic trick that we didn't know. How did they capture reality so clearly and why can't I ever do the same?

Maybe around then was when you started to grow tired. The days felt too long for you and I went along with it. I carried our weights but ignored the baggage. You were asking for something and I wasn't paying attention. When I lost you, I thought it was for good.

Wait 10 deciseconds.

Was it all too fast? Maybe if we slowed down a bit. Or forever. Maybe if we took more time to ourselves, and just defied the rules once more. Maybe if we broke reality, we could've still been together until the very end.

You see, time doesn't fly by, it drives by. From when I first gave you that biju gift of Arjuna, to the present day. We let our worries fade away. Those moments feel so minuscule compared to how long things are. Just this concentrated fleck of compassion, surviving in the husk of our universe.

I like to think that despite the difference, we are so rich in something found nowhere else. That sort of love permeating through us exists here. Constantly in danger, yet bold in the face of it. It is the daring kind that finds itself alive against the resisting odds and sufferings. Choose to care, and then it will all be worth it. The finite, the minutia, the temporary, the fleeting. It all becomes worth it in its fragility.

Wait 100 centiseconds.

Enough time for nothing to have happened. A crescendo of innocent events that catalyze crazier things in time. Just wait for it if you can. Like a possession, you get stuck in this endless obsession that gets further and further away.

Like a paradox. Half this, half that. Half and half you lack. You are made whole when the interval is all done. Synchronic events build out chaotic situations from those little circumstances you were given. Be half-decent and have half-patience.

It will happen. The last grain of sand will and it all need to be done again. You can exhale that inhale. Torque undone to be retorqued again. There's no other retort, no cause of action. It's a matter of time that defies scribed lines.

Wait 1000 milliseconds.

If I can give a confession, it's that this is all so tiring sometimes. I get this sick feeling deep down in my stomach, this same feeling I've felt so many times. It comes when life's responsibilities bear their weight against me all because I chose to sleep for a night. That sort of reprieve is re-earned each day. Fuck you Sisyphus, I imagine you miserable.

I imagine you lifting that coarse and jagged boulder. Even your calloused hands still get torn anew each day. Red searing flesh begging for the day to end. Your toes are filled with the dirt of the hill. Small stones jutting into your heel. You must feel this terrible ache in your shoulders and back, as they get no time to rest unless that boulder comes crashing back down on you.

How many times will you slip and get crushed? How many days are you forced to do this? It seems only marginally better than having the eagle liver treatment. But I guess you didn't ask for this. None of us did. We all just watch it roll back down again.

Wait 1,000,000 microseconds.

Something came back from the past that day, when time froze for a moment. I watched as the sky tore apart and came crashing down. The horizon was bleak and blank, so it stood out. This jetting black butte of steel mirrors. It showed me things I never wanted to see. I had no choice as it happened.

I think we all can make mistakes at times. We all have some sort of regret. We are a mournful species and our only respite is to atone for the rest of time. Severe wellness procedures come with green and red tubes that beep and boop. The cranked aches of an unadmirable past.

When does it come to pass? I live without knowledge of what I should fear the most. That inevitable end that comes and takes it all away. I won't stand a chance. Of all the things I've left behind, I hope you come with me.

Wait 1,000,000,000 nanoseconds.

Stop-wait, hold on. What's going on here? Why do we keep doing this? Something doesn't make sense. I've done this all before. Over and over. I must have... I don't know. It's like this scratching feeling at the back of my head. A neurotic's deja vu on steroids. Comatose synecdoche. Concussive remedy.

There's this contusion I need to show the doctor. It feels like my spine's all twisted. My nerves have grown in the wrong places, and my bones get misaligned. Something to cure my time is all I need. I bleed through my ears because my brain is damaged from time spent in the box. Is that how you imagined things would end up? Now, it might be better if we just took time to finally rest. Sit down, for a moment. Time's still for now. We can wait. We can wait for as long as we can.

If I told you how long I can stretch this moment, you wouldn't believe me. As long as I come up with more to say to you, we can keep going forever. But I can't hear anything you say. Maybe you want things to stop. Maybe it's taking too long and you'd rather not think about it anymore. That's ok. There's a purpose for that, too. I can end it now and make you finite again.

Wait 1,000,000,000,000 picoseconds.

Come back for a second. We still got some time don't we? It's not a matter of when, but how do things end. So let's appreciate this moment. It's not much effort to do that, is it? I don't want to be the one regretting it all when the time comes. It'll be scary, but if you're not alone then it'll be ok, right? That's all we can really hope for. We don't all get that chance, though. So maybe that's what I'm afraid of.

But I still have time, right now. Like I said, we got some time. Surely, it's still enough to do something. Enough to change things. If there wasn't a limit, would you be going anywhere? That inertia. That lethargy.

Don't be mistaken, we can still take our time. In fact, we sort of need to. Slow things down. Take that time one second at a time. I'm grabbing as much as I can. Because it's running out already. And I'm going to be using each moment to spend more time with those I love. We'll go back to that summer picnic. One more time.

Wait 1,000,000,000,000,000 femtoseconds.

Remember that time we got shrunk down and ran around? There was this garden we kept going to, everything was so big, and the grass was a forest. We went on an adventure and never looked back. Thick blades for trees and giant beetles and bees. You tried to lasso a worm. I tried to fly on a butterfly. We had so much fun we didn't realize it was getting dark. We hadn't figured out how to get back to a normal size.

You then told me you wanted to stay like this forever. Away from everything else. We could've ran away and hid in the trees. No one would find us, and we'd live among the birds. Maybe they'd let us fly them too. That's assuming they don't try to eat us first. I hear they can have quite the temperament. But that's ok, I'm sure you're smart enough to figure things out. Like how you shrunk us. You figured that out too. If you really wanted to, I'm sure we could all go back to normal.

But you don't really want to go back to normal. All that yelling and stress. What kind of life is that when you could be out here? You'd just be alone is the problem. As much as I hate it too, it's all we have left. Maybe for now, I'm not ready to join you just yet. Maybe I can be normal for both us until you're ready to come back. I promise I won't tell anyone. Just as long as you promise you'll make it back eventually.

Wait 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 attoseconds.

I watched the time go by so quickly. By the time I realized that, things had already happened that I deeply regretted and could not change. I let you go at a time you were most vulnerable. By the time I came back, you were already gone. Within the arms of another lover who gave you that better life I craved. All I have is the memory from another reality that keeps me awake. Suddenly it's all too terrible to have wept for you.

But that's why I came back. I went back, further than I should've. I tried to rewind and redo. To make undone the unfortunate mistakes that unwound me and my life. I hit that button so many times. Each glow was dimmer than the last. Each second felt shorter than before. Was I making things worse? Building this sarcophagus of lies and regret that keeps me confined to my own mind and machinations.

I want it all back. I want it all gone. I want the want to leave me. That's all I want now. Trapped in this epitome of a cage. I am no longer a person. Just neurons firing randomly in space. I gave up that body long ago because I thought it was the right thing to do. Now there's nothing left for me to do. It's what I wanted. But that's the problem. I didn't want anything. Not like this.

Wait 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 zeptoseconds.

I'm back again. Way back then to those moments again. What's weird is that I can't seem to remember anything that happened before. But I can still feel its weight. That deep effort burrowing into the ground. My skull, my bones. These muscles have kept that strain. But things will be different this time. Things can change.

All it takes is some time. I'm already running out for now, though, so I'll have to leave some instructions for what to do next time I'm around here. I hope I'll come back. There's only so much you know about things and how long they may take. It's ridiculous and unpredictable. I hate myself for doing so but it is what it is at this point so I must make do.

To be forgiven, keep that open mind. There's more to be seen, there's more to be felt. When you come back to that time you'll make the same mistakes over and over. There is no alternative. Just choose not to return, and there is no problem. The real problem is that you keep coming back, trying to imagine a new reality.

Wait 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 yoctoseconds.

We're almost out of time now. I've been waiting for what feels like so long for this very moment. There's something about having that sort of patience that drives you crazy. You can conceive of a second, a minute, an hour. But what's a millennium or an eon to a feeble mind like mine? I'd be going crazy. In fact, I already am because of what you did.

It'll only take a second. That's what you told me. That's what convinced me to go ahead and do it. There was too little time to think, and I just wanted to impress you in that moment. Now, I'm regretting it. It worked too well, and we're stuck together for just so long. Way too long. We've watched the stars grow and die. The supernovas are moving so slowly you wouldn't notice it otherwise. How long can we stretch what little time we have left together? Do we even want to?

We made that precious moment last longer than time itself. It just won't end. Things appear frozen and nothing can be enjoyed. Not anymore, at least. But we had fun didn't me? Those moments aren't going to disappear forever. They'll be there somewhere, maybe continuing on after all we recognize has passed. It's coming soon, so there's not much to think about. You already made the decision, now we're just trying to prolong it as long as possible.

Wait 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 rontoseconds.

My breathing stops. I feel the weight of my chest compress one last time. That strain to force what little oxygen my tired blood can still carry. Force it through the bloodstream. Those molecules can't do their job anymore. A chemical chain reaction that's going to lead to my death. It starts one cell at a time. But I won't be able to grow new leaves. This is truly it for me when the beeping stops. I want to lift my fingers still, to hold her one last time as she watches over me. I'm sorry for making you cry.

I'm sorry for being late all those times. I'm sorry for being so grumpy. I'm sorry for being so mean. I'm sorry for lacking patience. I'm sorry for not being more forgiving. I'm sorry I let you down so many times. I'm sorry you never got a chance to go the places you wanted or see the things that you dreamt of. I'm sorry I took so much of your time in life. All those years and minutes and seconds you gave to me. Now you're doing it one more time.

One last second, that's all I get left. There's some things we still need to do, but I won't be able to help with that anymore. I hope you still find the strength to get it done without me. I'll take this last moment, this last breath you gave me, and I'll remember it forever. Some things... some things just can't always happen the way you want or need them to. But that's why we learn to do better. That's why I tried. That's why...

Wait 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 quectoseconds.

I'm holding my breath now. I can't hold it for that long, but it's enough time for me to reflect on some things. Maybe there are things I said that I shouldn't have said. Maybe my profound regret comes from those seemingly small moments of my carelessness. Or my recklessness. There are too many things to think about, but I keep reflecting. There were some moments that can't be changed, and now it's etched on reality. How long will it take for it to fade away from time and memory?

One moment ago, I was there. A moment later, and I'm here. I don't remember having moved, but we're all moving involuntarily, one way or another. I still have so many places to go. I still have so many people to thank and ask for their forgiveness. Now I won't get those opportunities. Maybe in another life if we get the chance again, we can make things right. Until then, I accept the life we've been given. I accept my fate. I have been the master of my soul, and I have determined this to be my end.

So go on. Let time pass. Let the eons flow and have me go back to the soil. Let the sun pass us over a million times more. I will not care what the universe, in its grand designs, does to me. For I have lived and that was enough. That was plenty.

I thank you for it. I thank you for that mortality you gave it. It's made me appreciate each inch and breath and atom. From just a microscopic portion of the world, I have found an eternal bliss. It will continue in some form long beyond the time mine has turned to dust. It's being shared by everyone, not just me. That's how it keeps going. The love of falling in love, endlessly and continuously over and over again.

There was no mistake. I welcome the time to end. Because I know by the time it arrives, I'll have loved you completely. I'll have been with you forever. I'll have held you countless times.

Our passion shall be all that remains.

Wait 1.855 × 10⁴³ Planck times.

Chatter. Chatter. All I hear is chatter.

A wing clapse and a great gasp. A humorous misdeed that transfigures into new life and mistakes rife with misplaced strife. A thousand eyes that take a million years to see things. A billion more to understand it. And an endless amount of time to accept it.

Such ravenous revenge for morality is tepid over time. Lukewarm regards over that pale ember scratching away. Dirt, cardboard on brisk concrete roads with trash strewn around. Keeps you warm, knowing it's all you got during those cold nights.

Makeshift remorse. Floors you. How did you end up all the way back here? That's a lot of places to go before you die. That's a lot to think about before you cry.

I'm just a ghost, phased through and ethereal. That corporeal form just vanished into the air into the smoke like a breathless fire.

If I return, I'd like more time than before.